Xiaoyu's Blog

Monday, November 26, 2018

I Found Out the Second Thing I Hate the Most Besides Being Lied To

Hello everyone.
This post will be unlike my usual ones; one with more serious & totally non-event related.
I'm not even sure if there's gonna be any pictures.
Time now is 12.33am, which is a very late & odd timing for me to write, but I have nothing the next day anyway so I decided to write when I still am feeling it.

I am not the kind of person who broadcast my feelings frequent. Or rather, I'm not someone who always talks about emotions, politics, social issues, current events or whatever you can think of online. Only rare times that I speak up about them.
I like to keep it to myself or confide to my love ones if I really need to spill.

So, this is those rare times I pen down my feelings online, in my own blog.
I figure when I read back my old posts in the future, I know what I have been through, so it serves as a lesson to me.

It all started at work.
But this is all build-up. It is not a one time situation where I get all pissed & petty that I had to write down like a 14-year-old.
I decided to address it because I like what I am doing in this current occupation, in the company & of course the many nice colleagues. I want to continue working there.


Well, for me, one thing I hate the most, is being lied to.
But that's that.
All along it's been that. I forgive over time for other things but to lie to me, it shows that I was wrong to trust you. So that is my top unbearable, unacceptable... thing or what you call it.
Today, I came to understand myself more (I mean, we're all about finding ourselves at this time & age right? You never stop figuring out something about yourself).

& that is, not being respected.
By default, I have basic respect to everybody. I mean, that's how it should be, ain't it? (I see people having the 'respect is being earned' mindset but I guess that's not wrong either)
At first I thought it was making me seem like a fool, but I see the link.
When you make me look like somebody who is stupid & incapable of doing things, be it in front of peers or down right in front of me, that - to me - is not treating me like a person.
To put it bluntly, you don't see me in your eyes. 没有把我放在眼里.
If I am suppose to do a particular task but I have no idea how to, or that I need help because i.e. I don't have enough strength or I do not have that level of knowledge, then yes I am incapable to doing that thus I ask for help. From there I learn, & I can.
But if you have think so little of me as to not trust me with a task, that you had to tell another colleague who is busy, or who is new(er than me) to do it, then what would that make me?

To make things worse, I had to gather the little knowledge of a third language that I know to piece together what you just conveyed to our colleagues.
Lucky times I understand what was the message, other times I had to asked what was being said.
Information is supposed to be shared among everyone in a working environment because.... we're a team?
It's like this anywhere, isn't it?
Perhaps because I am not the one you're talking to, therefore you might think I don't need to understand.
However, I know it is work-related. Even if you're only talking to one person, other colleagues who understand the language & heard it, can get to it pro-actively.
I, on the other hand, am being left out.
By not speaking in a language we all understand, do you think I will feel included?
It is as if I am not part of the team & it is 'okay' not to be kept in the loop.
There is also something that happened that ULTIMATELY made me feel small & not important/included in the team.
But I will not explain that because it will be too obvious to a certain someone & I don't want to do that.

Up till this point, as y'all read, I wanna let you guys know that:
I am sensitive.
Was I being too sensitive over this? I believe I'm not. But I'll gladly hear your side of thoughts.


This incident is just the recent one. There are some more that happened in the past but I won't talk about it.
Because then it will become too personal. I don't want to attack.

It is very difficult for me to learn how to not give a fuck to people & to situations.
It is difficult because my personality is like this; I take things to heart, I put people before me, I don't want them to be angry or talking bad about me.
I worry.
Now, okay actually not now but I have started since last year, I am training myself to not take things to heart, because:
Who is he/she/them to me? If they dislike me, dislike me then. You can't be okay with everyone - this is the reality.
It already happened. I'm only ruining my own mood & emotional health.
I even do this to my close ones. Because it is just too tiring to be putting them in my mind all the time & worrying.
But, slowly, I learnt that if I am in no wrong, I should just let it be.
Not to give a fuck, because the only fuck I should give is my well-being.
I am not selfish person, but from the lessons I've learnt, from the advice given from my best friends, sometimes IT IS OKAY TO NOT PUT PEOPLE BEFORE YOU.


But then again, I am probably being sensitive.
But THEN again, I should stop blaming my sensitivity & be more firm about how I feel.
Nobody can tell you that your feelings are wrong.

If you read till here, I appreciate that :)
Thanks for virtually listening to me all the way.
If you find what I wrote relatable, then I'm glad to know that!
If you think that I'm making a big deal out of it, then here's what I want to say to you:

No comments: